Things That Go Bump in the Night

At the end of the day, when I'm laying in bed, my brain won't stop thinking, all the what-if's jump into my thoughts -- what if I miss the bus because I over sleep tomorrow? What if my job decides they really don't want me, since I'm just a temp? What if I never meet anyone friendly enough to be friends on this stupid island? What if I fall and break something and can't get help because I live alone? What if I die and no one finds my body for weeks or months? What if I get myself into a situation I really can't handle?

When you're a young, cute, 20-something female who lives alone on an island and the nearest family member or dearest friend is 3,000 miles and an ocean away... these are very real, very terrifying things to think about in the middle of the night.

Why am I even here? Why do people let me do stupid things like hop on planes and go to places where no one else I know are? What am I even doing with my life? Who wants to know a vagabond with no bachelors degree and no clue where she's going to be in the next 5 years, let alone the next 8 months. Who could fall in love with someone who's long-term goal is to make it back to the mainland... and do what, exactly? Live where, exactly?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

One of my best girls called me brave. She said, basically, she originally thought I was crazy and I wasn't serious when I said I was moving to Hawaii. Because going away like I did? That's crazy. And it is, it totally is. But she gave me kudos for it and told me how proud she was. And it made me want to cry. Because I have never seen myself as brave or gutsy or highly adventurous. I see myself as a coward, a child who jumps into situations she doesn't know how to get herself out of. A girl who is afraid of commitment and doesn't want to become emotionally involved with anyone because she doesn't feel she's worth it -- whatever "it" really is. A small girl, playing at being an adult.

I realized something a few days ago in the shower (I do my best thinking there: doesn't everyone?). I'm no one here. I could be a movie star, a college student, a mother, a lesbian, a vet, a tourist, a cross dresser, a roller derby racer, a surfer, a drug addict, a fortune 500 CEO... the list is endless and no one knows the real me. Do I know the real me? I think this needs exploring...

Once I get proper insurance I'll be seeing a counselor. It's been on my list of things to do for myself  for years and I keep putting it off and putting it off... now is the perfect time.

These are only thoughts and they only come in the dark, when I least expect them. Or when my mind won't quiet because I'm not quite tired enough. But they're always with me, always lurking. I've often wondered what the point of self-doubt or self-depreciation is. It hurts us so strongly and causes is to second guess or instincts. As a wilderness survival technique I understand the validity. Is this berry going to taste nummy or make me die a slow and painful death? I get it. I just don't like it.

I just have to keep my cool and continue exploring. And find new friend to hang out with. In fact, there's a quidditch practice tomorrow from 3-6 I'm thinking of going to. Should be interesting to watch, if nothing else.

As Ron Weasley would say, "don't let the muggles get you down!"

Aloha from Oahu!
LC